Category Archives: Cannabis

Activism, Cannabis, Epilepsy, Mom, Mommy guilt, Parenting, Uncategorized

Sugar and Spice

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Icing her face after a seizure knocked her down.

We are walking through the parking lot talking proudly about our kids. He says “little boys learn how to fall” referencing his son’s propensity to spend hours tossing and diving on the ground to catch a football. I’m so floored I almost stop walking, stutter mid stroll, at the truth of this. As I listen to him talk of his exploits as a kid and of his boys, thoughts of how epilepsy has turned me into a helicopter, overprotective, on edge, scared Mom who has taught my children neither to fall or fly, but only to assess and avoid danger, invade.  

My oldest, my fearless son, often left me holding my breath, squeezing my eyes shut and offering silent prayers that he wouldn’t break anything this time.


My middle child I encouraged to climb one more branch, hop back on the bike, I believe you can do it! Put that one on a stage and they shine. 

But my youngest? My special needs child? I often said “sit down, okay”? You don’t want to hit your head again. What if you have a seizure right now? Are you making safe choices?

I lost my place of yes and replaced it with trepidation, warnings and “be careful”! I preached caution and safety. 

I’m sorry my loves. I wish I could go back and say yes more. I hear sayings like “Fortune favors the bold” and “No risk, no reward” and I physically flinch. Our whole life is a risk. It’s constant vigilance that if she goes down we can protect her head, her face, her arms that bear the impact but can’t brace for it. I don’t need to seek adrenaline rushes, I need a break from them.

But I hope, Haley, as you enter these teen years that you learn how to fall. I hope to help cushion the blow when I can, but say yes as often as possible so I can see you shine when you fly.

And more importantly I hope to teach all of my children to fly. To pick themselves up, dust themselves off after a fall, be resilient and confident and worry less about skinned knees and broken hearts. Just to worry less actually. Embrace life, risk and all, and the reward of experiences.

And in this post divorce life navigating new relationships and parenting I am again finding my place of yes. For my children, for my partner, for myself. Risk (physical AND emotional) and reward.
Because “what if you fly?” 

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Cannabis, CDKL5, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Parenting, Seizures, Uncategorized

Love to live AND Live to love

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Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes love really does NOT conquer all. But it sure makes the journey worth traveling. Even if that means blisters on our hearts from trying to hold on when something else in the universe is forcing us to let go.

Love. Oh love. That word that means so much and so little all at once. That feeling that cannot be justified or reasoned with or rationalized away. That just is. That can bloom in the single instant in the empty space between eyes that lock and souls that connect. Or that can fill your heart with the sight of 2 lines on a plastic stick. Love. It can free you and bind you and make you feel infinitely happy or crippled with despair. Love. That which is so revered and special even the pain of it is to be treasured.

Love. Change one little letter and it becomes live. Do we live to love or love to live? Does it matter as long as those we love live?

Recently my world turned on its axis with a loss in our epilepsy community. Sweet Harper Howard, the daughter of Penny and Dustin Howard, lost her battle with CDKL5. Ironically it wasn’t the seizures that we all fear that took her. Much of the life that she gracefully lived was because of love. The love of parents that turned to hemp oil despite criticism from both the cannabis community which views this as an inferior option and cannabis opponents. But love. That feeling that swirls like a storm when you watch your child make unprecedented progress can drown out all of the other noise. Penny and Dustin stayed committed to the product and path that helped Harper so much. But ultimately Harper couldn’t live on love and she gained her wings. She is free and able, escaping the confines of her earthly body. But I am selfish. I’d rather have her here. Alive and loved. And I’ll never forget the moment that I read Penny’s words that Harper had passed. My hand flew to my mouth literally dropping my phone as my other arm flung out seeking purchase on something. Anything. I was sitting down but I doubled over, my body bent, bowing, under the weight of anguish and despair. The world is a little more muted, colors a little less bright without that sassy, fiery girl. To read more about Harper and her amazing family you can go here: http://www.hope4harper.com/harper-went-to-heaven-january-08-2016/

But love has limits. It can’t conquer all. And it doesn’t heal. If it did none of the children I know would be bound by their diagnosis. But that doesn’t make it worthless. And just to feel it is an experience worth the pain and fear we endure because of it. Because love itself IS the gift of life. And I am thankful to experience love and life even if that means embracing the pain, and sometimes loss, it brings.

That saying…”‘Tis better to have loved and lost”… I couldn’t agree more.

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Thank you Harper for the reminder. You will LIVE on in the LOVE of many.

As for me. Well, everyday I seek out an awareness of those seemingly insignificant moments that make me love to live and undoubtedly I live to love. And will continue to risk the pain of loss to love with all that I’ve got. Fiercely and with abandon. Because we’re not promised tomorrow. Not even when you seem healthy. image

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Mommy guilt, Parenting, Seizures

Us versus Them-Taking bets

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Us versus them- the divisiveness between CBD only supporters and whole plant advocates and patients and physicians.

There is this divisiveness within the cannabis community. CBD vs THC and then a small population of us in the middle who want one but advocate for all. Supporters of legislation that promotes a CBD only mentality- typically defined legally as less than .3% THC- assert that if their legislation saves one life it was worthwhile. They also like to claim that they are introducing these efforts in states that would “never” pass full access legislation. But there are deficits in these proposals that cannot be overlooked or skimmed over. Looking, for example, at states that are trying to pass CBD only laws but NO in state cultivation. Essentially they are saying we are urging you to commit a federal crime by trafficking this schedule 1 substance over state lines, but we wont prosecute you for giving it to your child once you are here. However if you get caught somewhere between that state and our state, umm, too bad. How does anyone look at that and consider it reasonable to create a law that STILL makes parents become criminals to save their children? Or adult patients criminals to save themselves? And while I cannot argue with the idea that saving even one life is great work, I assert that it is not enough. I could not hold my child in my arms at night knowing she was saved and feel good about that if I have to consider the children who are dying because I supported something that road blocks the efforts of another parent or patient to save their child or themselves because they need something different. And that’s where we all need to get on board about cannabinoids. CBD, CBG, THC,CBN, THCA, CBDA, the list goes on and on-and they are all different. Not better. Not worse. Just different. We have to stop trying to make one a hero and one a scapegoat and make them all accessible to everyone who needs them.

As if it’s not enough that there is this infighting within the industry, the us vs them mentality in the medical community runs rampant as well. Patients are urging doctors to acknowledge this treatment as a legitimate treatment for a variety of conditions. Doctors are skeptical, conservative, citing first do no harm and they are unsure of the harm cannabis could inflict. They routinely spout that we lack studies and knowledge about the long term effects of cannabis and many truly feel that they cannot in good conscience recommend something that might hurt the patient. However giving them all of the benefit of the doubt that they truly feel that way and are not just still buying into decades of manipulation and lies, does not stop them from doing exactly that with experimental treatments (seriously-check NIH for how many studies there are on experimental treatments for seizures. Treatments that we don’t know all of the facts about or long term consequences) and harmful, addictive pharmaceuticals that also have NO long term studies on their effects in children. We recently consulted for a VNS device for my daughter. It is not FDA approved for children under 12. When I asked the surgeon about that she said that is because it is too expensive to do the studies it would take for approval, and brushed it off as though that approval means nothing. If that is the case then why we are holding cannabis to a “higher” (pun totally intended) standard than our pharmaceuticals? I can open my medicine cabinet right now and read off labels and side effects that would curl your toes from medications that aren’t approved for my daughter at her age but that have been prescribed to her anyway. And no one stopped to consider first do no harm then, because you know what’s harmful? Seizures.The seizures that my daughter endures daily. The ones that steal her energy and have robbed her of a childhood and that I fear will take her life. That is what’s harmful. When I look at these bottles upon bottles of pills-both prescribed and over the counter- it makes bile rise in my throat to think that there deaths contributed to every single one of them. Even Tylenol can kill you. You know what has never killed anyone? Cannabis. So who is doing harm now by pushing these drugs down my child’s throat and risking her life by taking them, but refusing to endorse treating her with a plant even when every single chemically laden pill they can think of has failed her?

Patients are advocating for themselves. They are standing up to both doctors and politicians and demanding more. And feather are being ruffled. No one in either of those sectors likes to be challenged and they like control. I think the primary argument I’ve heard when reading between the lines on physician opposition is that recommending cannabis puts control of the patients treatment in the patients hands under all of the current regulatory models. But I have learned more in our 5 year journey battling this monster we call epilepsy from parents than I ever have from any doctor. When Haley’s doctor declared her out of pharmaceutical options I researched and found 1 drug that we hadn’t tried. And we are trying it now. And she is doing well on it. But it was up to me to find that information and present it to my doctor. They may not want to admit that we have patient directed care now, but I am willing to stake my life on the fact that most of the Moms I know-the Dravet tiger Moms and the Epilepsy warrior Moms, and the oncology Mama bears-they know more about their child’s condition and response to medications and have directed much of that treatment. They can list all of the side effects, even ones that doctors dismiss as not being a side effect, they see the correlations that doctors miss. Because of what’s at stake. Because of the depth of their love. Do you really think you need to tell me first do no harm to my own child? I’m the one protecting her from the harm you want to inflict sometimes!

So if it really is us vs them, my money is on us. Because our motivation is more than dollar signs, it’s measured in lives.Whole plant, full spectrum cannabinoid access to every patient who needs it.

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Mommy guilt, Parenting, Seizures

Legal does not = Accessible. Pediatric cannabis in MA

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I live in a state where medical marijuana is legal. Was voted for by 63% of voters in 2012. And yet there is still no legal access for patients. I’m going to give you a minute to puzzle that out-how voters could have passed a law 3 years ago that still hasn’t been implemented. Wrap your brain around it yet? Yeah. Me neither.

Essentially the DPH f-d up. And every time the media pointed out another time they f-d up instead of addressing the problem, they stalled the process a little more. And a little more, and a little more. So now-nearly 3 years later there is not a single dispensary open. None. Not one. And the caregiver law is overly restrictive only allowing a caregiver to grow for 1 patient. So how exactly is it feasible for a caregiver to invest the time and resources into sourcing and growing a rare, valuable, finicky high cbd strain when they can only serve 1 patient who needs it? Short answer-it’s not. We passed a law, but in the after effects of writing the regulations the scope of that law got smaller and smaller and smaller until it became an unworkable law and left us where we are today.

So, let’s talk about some of the problems with it. I am obviously fighting for Haley to access cannabis, loudly shouting from the rooftops about it (I hope you are too!). Initially the pediatric regulations required Doctors to prove that a child was within 6 months of the end of their life to be eligible to use cannabis. Now Haley lives with the possibility of a seizure ending her life any day. But she doesn’t necessarily have an expiration date. We wrote to the committee and our epileptoligist Dr Thiele testified before the committee that pediatric patients with chronic conditions could greatly benefit from cannabis even if they weren’t terminal. We might actually save lives instead of just easing them-Imagine that. Eventually the end of life clause was removed from the final regulations.

Great news right? Yeah…BUT. The pediatric regulations became so burdensome for patients AND doctors that they may as well not exist. Pediatric patients are required to have signatures or recommendations (recs) from 2 separate doctors not in practice together that state that the benefits outweigh the risk of treatment. One of those doctors MUST be a pediatrician or pediatric specialist. And you must have and maintain an established relationship with the doctor writing the recommendation. At first glance it all seems workable in theory. Then we get to real life. Because I forgot to mention that only Doctors that have completed a certain number of continuing education hours specifically on cannabis are eligible to write cannabis recommendations. How many pediatric specialists do you think are completing those continuing education hours on cannabis?

I know several pediatric patients, us included, who lobbied our doctors, long time pediatricians and specialists. We put together folders of information, we painstakingly presented our cases. In many cases Doctors empathized and agreed with us but were blocked from writing recommendations by the hospitals they are employed by because they rely on federal funding that they fear losing. Other doctors refuse to write them because they don’t believe the program is regulated well enough and only support a pharmaceutical model of dispensing cannabis. And then there were the rarities, the doctors who said yes. I see the potential here. Yes I will help you. So last year we got 2 doctor recs and Haley became a legal patient. But still without access…(Compare that to our neighbor Maine where they allow nurse practitioners to write recommendations and you only need one and they have open dispensaries and working caregiver models. Or our other neighbor RI which also has a strong established cannabis program accessible for children without burdensome, unrealistic, unworkable regulations)

Now the DPH has decided in the interest of progress they will require patients to register, finally addressing the legal gray area of having no patient registration system and the arrests that were taking place because there was no legal recognition for patients. No card or certificate to carry other than the Dr rec. Sounds good. Progress. Finally! Uhhhh, not so much. Where exactly is the justice in collecting money from people to register as patients for a medicine they still have no foreseeable access to? I’m sorry? Is that shortsighted of me? Or just reasonable to expect that if you want my money to be a patient there better be medicine to buy? And when you go to the pharmacy to pick up your Valium does the Doctor disclose your condition to the pharmacist and everyone that works in the pharmacy? If you have anxiety or seizures or some other disorder being treated by this highly addictive, dangerous medication?  Of course not! That is a violation of HIPPA and patient privacy. Yet as a cannabis patient you have no right to privacy and your doctor is forced to disclose the condition they are deeming treatable. Now imagine being a parent and being put in the position of disclosing your child’s medical condition and status as a cannabis patient and location of their lifesaving plants to whomever the state decides should have that information. (coincidentally caregivers/patients often get raided just before harvest leaving the patient with nothing…again. Just saying I have seen/heard too many of these occurrences to be called coincidence) But ok. There is a way to be legally recognized as a patient without a legal way to get medicine unless you have a caregiver willing to cultivate just for you or if you live in a place that permits you to cultivate your own. And you don’t get raided and lose your medicine. I haven’t met one yet, but I’m sure they’re out there trying not to draw attention to themselves. To them I say-Keep it up! Save your child!

Until…Jan 1st. Remember those continuing ed credits Doctors must complete? They must be completed by January 1st. There have been barely a handful of pediatricians and pediatric specialists in the entire state willing or able to write recommendations. Of the dozen or so children I know who were able to secure them more than half were notified recently with the registration system roll out that their doctors either did not deem it feasible to complete the number of continuing education hours required in order to write the recommendation for the single patient they see that they are writing it for, or their permission from their overseeing hospital was reneged due to HIPPA violations of submitting to the DPH.

Now what? Now we have left our most vulnerable patients-the children-without any access at all. And you think that this program was set up to be safe for them? It was set up to fail. It was set up to let children die without access.

I live in a legal state with a child who several doctors agree would benefit from cannabis, yet there is no doctor willing to put in the work required to help her and no medicine to give her. But here you go DPH…here’s my $50 to try to register her as a patient until our recommendation expires and here too is my $100 for a hardship waiver so I can grow it myself. Because clearly you care about the money and not the lives at stake. We have a law. But it’s an unworkable law and children are suffering and dying because of it.

So, insert slow, sarcastic clap here for the writers of these regulations that are allowing children to die. Bravo I guess. You got what you set out to do. A whole lot of money and no cannabis…Maybe you can allocate some of that money to pay for the funerals of the children you are killing…

(*Image attached is Haley mid seizure. She is experiencing anywhere from 10-50+ seizures every single day while we wait for access. I know there will be people who don’t think I should share this vulnerable moment, (I struggled with it myself) but the truth is that every moment in our life right now is vulnerable. We might seize hope but we endure our share of despair and it would be wrong for me to sugar coat what Haley is enduring because of political and medical agendas. So here it is at its most raw…)

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Mommy guilt, Parenting, Seizures

Mommy Guilt

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Mommy guilt is real folks. For all Moms, special needs or not…

I feel guilty about the light, typical things that all Moms relate to. I also feel guilty about the hard, heavy hitting stuff like the fact that no matter how hard I try to create a sense of normal, our normal will always be very, very different. I feel guilty about the concessions I make balancing safety and creating some semblance of childhood. I feel the weight of guilt every time she collapses and convulses and gasps and I know that there is a plant out there that may help her and I’m not doing enough to get it-I will always feel like I should be working harder, I should be lobbying harder, staging more political action, speaking out more. But newsflash here-I’m tired folks. And then I feel guilty about being tired and it’s all a vicious cycle.

I feel guilty about the fact that my 13-year-old feels isolated from her friends because they expressed that they are uncomfortable coming over because of Haley’s seizures. I feel guilty that the home I’ve tried to make a safe haven doesn’t feel welcoming to others. I feel guilty that I’ve played martyr for so long that I feel selfish even taking snippets of me time, even though logically I recognize that they are necessary, I carry that guilt. I feel guilty every time I pull up late in the drop off lane at school, or forget picture retake day, or forget to send forms in on time. I feel guilty about the decisions I have made even if I acknowledge that I did my best with what i knew at the time, it doesn’t change that the guilt sits with me.

I feel guilty accepting praise for things that I consider basic accommodations,like making hot cocoa that is appropriate for Haley’s restrictive diet therapy. I feel guilty for the experiences both small and large that my children are missing out on. I feel guilty that even when we do something as seemingly basic as go to a Christmas party my child misses half of it because she has a seizure that knocks her out for the rest of the evening. And instead of playing with her friends she passes out on the couch for the rest of the night. And I feel relief that she is asleep and I don’t have to chase her around and can leisurely visit while watching her instead of chasing her around, and then I feel guilt at my relief.

I feel guilty that I can’t be in 2 places at once and sometimes my kids have to miss out on things that are important to them. Totally unrealistic I know, but there it is anyway. I feel guilty every time I raise my voice or give yet another exasperated sigh because I am too darn tired to have enough patience. I feel guilty that I am so darn tired, even though I haven’t had 8 hours of sleep in, umm, hmm, I’m not really sure how many years.

I feel guilty that I’m not a better friend. I feel guilty when my friends are so wonderful that they drop off soup just because they see how much we are struggling right now to get through each day. I feel guilty that I cannot right now return the favor because i am trying not to drown in both obligations and sorrow. I feel guilty that I am so damaged that  cannot mask the despair that plagues me.

I feel guilty every time I shove a little white pill in my daughters mouth because the seizures have yet again started to cluster or last too long and are sneaking a little closer to life threatening. I feel guilty that I fear yet another holiday spent behind hospital walls.

I feel guilty every time I read another obituary for a child who died while waiting to access cannabis. I feel guilty every time I see yet another child hospitalized for seizures that might be helped if they only had access to a plant. I feel guilty when I see the pleas of parents on cannabis who are having trouble navigating the world of trial and error and dosing questions. I feel guilty that I don’t know more, can’t do more, can’t help more. I feel guilty that I cannot even help my own child. I feel guilty that I am pushing to schedule a surgery I don’t really want my child to have to implant a VNS that I don’t want her to get because I cannot wait any longer to do something to help her.

I feel guilty that every day Christmas inches a little closer and my to do list grows instead pf shrinks. I feel guilty every time I look at my color coded white board calendar that looks like it threw up on itself and wonder when I am going to squeeze in all of the other things I need to do into the days that already appear full. I feel guilty that I am yet again not going to get Christmas cards out.

I feel guilty that even though I try so hard-SO HARD- to find the beauty in this journey and to be grateful for all of the people in our lives and the moments of joy that probably outweigh the moments of despair I have days where I simply cannot. And then I feel guilty about seeming so negative when there really is beauty here. There is love, so much love. And joy. And heartache, but beauty in the ache. And there is hope. And guilt.

And then I feel guilty that I feel guilty.

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Parenting, Seizures

Hope for Haley

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There aren’t generally moments where you can look back and pinpoint the exact moment that your life changed. More often there is a gradual evolution. On the evening of 9/11/09 our lives changed in a single, horrifying instant when my healthy, vibrant 2.5 year old daughter collapsed on our stairs and stopped breathing in the first of what would become thousands of seizures. Every memory I hold in my heart is now attached to a label of before or after...

Within 2 weeks, after some hiccups, my lovely daughter Haley was diagnosed with a “seizure disorder”-words that are supposed to be more comforting to a family whose life has just shifted on its axis. Thus began the battery of tests and treatments. 33% of people with epilepsy are unable to control their seizures with currently available treatments. These treatments include medications, diet therapy and surgery…and a new evolving treatment, cannabis.

Haley began medication in  the hospital after seizing in the ER getting us the fastest service we’ve ever had at a medical facility. It made her drunk like, stumbling around and slurring all while experiences bouts of rage that summon the image of an angry trapped animal. When that medication failed to quell the seizures another was added, this one caused permanent liver damage. And the cycle continued, for every medication that didn’t work they simply added another one. All of them with horrific side effects that stole pieces of my baby girl a little at a time. In the 5 years since her diagnosis Haley has failed 17 anti-convulsant medications as well as steroids, some of them more than once and tried in varying combinations, all with the same cycle of slowly weaning on and slowly weaning off, and the accompanying despair upon realizing yet again that we had not found our answer.

In 2010 one of those medications actually triggered a worsening of seizures. Haley began experiencing 50-100 seizures daily some of which would last 90 minutes or more. After 2 back to back seizures of this length Haley, at age 3 was placed in a barbiturate coma for 14 days. Upon lessening her sedation I realized that my three year old had suddenly become an infant again. She had to re learn basic functions like how to hold her head up, eating, trunk control and how to walk.

After failing a handful of medications we also began a restrictive diet therapy in 2010 called Low Glycemic Index Therapy or LGIT. In the past several years Haley has gone back and forth between LGIT and various ratios of ketogenic diet in an effort to exert some control over her seizures. While it is beneficial enough that we continue to utilize it it has not been the miracle that we had hoped. And in the mean time Haley is denied the smallest joys like sharing a cupcake with a friend, or partaking in the pizza at a birthday party. Or even enjoying the snacks that seem to be the focus of every classroom celebration and holiday.

We live in a medical hub. We have access to technologies that are not readily available. Haley underwent additional testing to evaluate her surgical options. The consensus was that she is not a viable surgical candidate. Both the location of her seizure focal points and the number of them suggest that she would experience gross language and motor function loss and her seizure activity would not be reduced enough to alter her quality of life.

Her diagnosis has evolved as well, from idiopathic epilepsy or epilepsy with no known cause, to cortical dysplasia, to Landau Kleffner Syndrome variant, to a sodium channel genetic mutation. And yet with none of these has come the one answer we really seek-how to help her.

So we are left…more than 5 years into this journey, in a place I never expected to be. Without medical options and still averaging 15-30 seizures daily. There are days that the weight of this crushes me. I put my finger under her nose and count her breaths and remember to be grateful for each and every one. I watch her scream out in fear at the onset of each seizure and my heart breaks a little more. I watch my daughter, my lovely, precocious, fierce warrior, stiffen and convulse and grunt and turn blue and I face the reality that we live on the brink of life and death every.single.day.

Right now there is a new potentially promising treatment evolving for many conditions, including epilepsy. Medical marijuana or cannabis. Some of the anecdotal stories are nothing short of miraculous. But treatment is limited to those living in select legal states with limited access to the type of cannabis so many are looking for. It is the only thing that gives me hope-hope for her future, hope to meet her beneath the haze created by the pharmaceuticals, hope that she too will thrive.

And yet at the same time I fear that I am only setting us all up for another disappointment. I fear that I wont be able to access this treatment in time. And there are days when fear and devastation take over. When I am debilitated by my own thoughts and worries and memories. And yet I always come back to hope. Hope for the thousands of epilepsy patients living with uncontrolled seizures. Hope for the families of the 50,000 seizure related deaths that occur in the US every year. Hope for the patients who have control but only at the expense of dangerous and debilitating side effects. Hope that our family will emerge, no matter the outcome,stronger instead of broken.

Hope for Haley…

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Mom, Parenting, Seizures

Dirty Little Secret

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Every parent, every person really, struggles with finding their right balance between work, life and caring for themselves and caring for others.

I am a nurturer. I am a caretaker of many people. One of them happens to live on the brink of life and death daily. It takes a toll on me. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Caregiver burnout is very very real. But that’s the dirty little secret that parents, special needs or not, aren’t supposed to admit.

Yesterday was a really difficult day. I turned outward to my support network. I unveiled my anguish, and kept it real. I put in black and white (actually a colorful bar graph but black and white sounds better) the evidence of Haley’s continually escalating seizure activity. And while the support was, as always, comforting, it wasn’t enough. I needed to schedule in a break down. (Break down to break through according to one wise friend)

The problem is that there is no time. There are still children to care for and feed and drive places and laundry and dishes and work and dog hair to vacuum and leaves to clean up and a garage to prepare for winter and and and…I couldn’t do it another moment.Those have to’s would just have to wait. So I dropped Haley off at school and headed for my sanctuary-for me that is the ocean. If you don’t have a place that instantly allows you to exhale, I highly suggest you start seeking one.

I allotted myself one hour of me time. I managed to disconnect for half of it (pretty good for me!). I wrapped a blanket around me like a shield and allowed myself the luxury of breathing freely, void of the ever present tension that lives in my throat. It was a windy day-my favorite kind at the beach. The breeze, the waves, they speak to my soul. They whisper contentment and calm my anxiety like nothing else, Sitting there just watching and listening, then walking the dunes, choosing the one shell I collect on each of these trips, all of it in complete solitude, yet connected simultaneously.

So, you…yes you. Stop looking over your shoulder, I really do mean YOU. It doesn’t take a massive amount of time, it doesn’t take money, it just takes commitment to admit when it is all too much and you need to decompress or explode. It can be a walk in the woods, a bubble bath, an hour of mindless TV…whatever your sanctuary is this is a reminder to utilize it. You are worth it.

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Parenting, Seizures

In the presence of greatness

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Social Media has become a powerful tool. Particularly for parents of special needs children. There is a sense of community and connection that is unprecedented.

Throughout the past few years I have had the pleasure of meeting in person many of the families and activists fighting to change an inherently unjust system and save our children along the way.

These meetings have filled my heart and fueled me and served to strengthen at my core my resolve to be part of this change. I have sat, stood and lunched with greatness. I have shared both tears and laughter as we shared in our grief and our successes. Some of which would never be celebrated by someone who didn’t “get” it. Like the significance of your child allowing you to hold her hand. Or walk with only that assistance.

Some of these people have become the people I now count among my closest friends. They are my village. More importantly they are Haley’s village. We inspire one another to do better, to be better, to fight harder, to expose more of our journey and our pain.

Grateful doesn’t begin to account for how I feel for these people who were once strangers just traveling a parallel path. As one of them wisely told me “Fate is seldom wrong”. Fate has brought us all together and together we will do better than we could have without one another.

To my friends, to my village, to the ones I’ve been blessed to meet and the ones I haven’t yet, thank you. Thank you for being on this journey with us. With all of it’s ups and downs, hills and valleys (that often happen in a single day, sometimes a single hour). Thank you for not just bearing witness to our pain but sharing in it. Sharing yours when you think it’s needed. And celebrating the successes together.

Thank you for the poignant moments and the humorous ones. For supporting me when I couldn’t support myself. For caring so intensely about a little girl and her struggle to survive in a world that seems intent on making that more difficult.

Thank you to the families that have bared their journeys. That have shared their most vulnerable moments in an effort to show others they are not alone.

Thank you to the parents and friends of Haley’s who help her feel like just another kid by including her when it would be easier not to. For teaching your children that different isn’t scary. That compassion and empathy matter.

And thank you to the activists who work too hard for too little reward. But use an image of a little 7 year old girl advocating for herself as fuel to drive a little further today than we did yesterday.

One love to you all. Our village. Greatness lives in each and every one of you and I am humbled and honored that you share it with my family.

Activism, Cannabis, Dravet, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Parenting, Seizures

Downward Spiral

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On the evening of Haley’s first seizure a giant gaping hole opened up around me. At first I thought I was standing on the precipice looking down, but at the moment of her diagnosis, sheltered in what are supposed to be comforting words “seizure disorder”, I fell headfirst into the abyss. I didn’t fall far though, because I immersed myself in online support groups, and epilepsy community and their support pulled me up.

When Haley failed to respond to one pharmaceutical, and then another and quickly a third and fourth that diagnosis was altered to medically refractory epilepsy. I fell a little further down the hole. Not so far that I couldn’t start the climb out, but just far enough that I couldn’t see over the top. And so I began to seek out others with similar experiences. Ones who could hold my hand and we could take turns pulling one another up.

When Haley’s language delays began and EEG confirmed near constant seizure activity during sleep her diagnosis was amended again, Landau Kleffner syndrome variant. I fell a little further. But I gained a whole new set of supportive people who were living parallel realities. And it helped to block the fall.

When genetic testing revealed a never before documented mutation in a sodium channel gene I fell hard. Confirmation that my baby was never going to outgrow this knocked the wind out of me on the way down. And while Haley’s diagnosis was amended to Dravet like, it couldn’t be called Dravet so I wasn’t sure if I could find the support I needed to pull me up enough to catch my breath. Luckily the community is a generous one and we have found a home there and it helped me find a foothold and crawl a little way back up.

When we realized that Haley at age 5 had never been to the bathroom alone or played Barbies in her bedroom by herself, we decided to pursue a service dog. The community we have found amongst other service dog owners, trainers and supporters boosted me to where I thought I could see the path out.

And then we were told that Haley was out of pharmaceutical options, there was nothing left to try except a risky invasive surgery with best case scenario being a 50% reduction in seizures. With Haley averaging 3-10 seizures daily, that still left her with daily seizures and no quality of life improvement, plus a serious risk of loss of speech and motor function. I fell hard and fast. And I stopped even trying to claw my way back out. I just accepted life at the bottom of the rabbit hole.

And then I discovered medical marijuana and its potential anticonvulsant effects. When my state overwhelmingly voted to legalize it I found a foothold and crawled as fast as I could toward the top. Only to be knocked down over and over again as the state lagged behind in its implementation, as the lack of available strains became clear, and Haley’s seizures increased and cognition declined. But I found enough support to at least motivate me to keep climbing. For 2 years trying to access this treatment for my daughter I have climbed and fallen, brushed myself off, and started the climb again.

I have found a community of activists, advocates (is there really a difference?), other families, other patients and supporters. And I have never felt so supported. I have gained my footing, and I am climbing out with help from all of these communities of supporters. And sure, I have days, minutes, where I fall down, sometimes it feels like I’ve hit bottom again, but I’m climbing faster back up. And I am learning to extend my hand and reach for those behind me so I can return the favor.

So wherever you are in your journey know that however far down the rabbit hole you are there is always a hand waiting to grasp yours if you just reach out…With the help of cannabis and some amazing people, the top is in reach. (even in Massachusetts)

P.S.-See you Tuesday 10/14 at the protest! DPH building in Boston!! If you need a boost I promise you’ll find one among the community there.

Cannabis, Epilepsy, Marijuana, Mom, Parenting, Seizures

Be the change…See you on 10/14

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I had another whole post worked out in my mind, indeed even started typing it up. But this nagging thought wont let me post it because I have something more urgent to say.

I try to live by the saying- “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. I love that motto. Love the premise that if something is wrong with our world, our country, our state, our healthcare system, our consumerism, that we have the power to change it. But we cant, I cant, do it alone.

Recently here in MA the workers and customers of Market Basket took a stand. Together they boycotted a favored grocery store and went out of their way to picket, drive longer, spend more, in the interest of the greater good. One worker, one customer could not have made that impact, but when we all took a stand together it was our togetherness that mattered.

On Tues 10/14 at 11 am there is a direct action protest planned in front of the Department of Public Health building (250 Washington St, Boston MA). This protest is a chance to stand together and say that the patients that have been left without access for 2 YEARS will not stand for it anymore. Their rights are being violated, their suffering is being prolonged and officials have yet to respond to previous calls of action with any urgency or empathy for the patients they are denying.

There is no doubt about it, Haley is suffering without access to medical marijuana. She has endured more than 90,000 seizures just since the day medical marijuana was voted legal here in MA. She has no pharmaceutical options left, she has exhausted every single one. The state has accepted more than 7 million dollars in fees from dispensary applicants and yet there is not a dispensary open. There isn’t even a way to register my daughter as a legally recognized patient with the DPH.

But it’s not just Haley who is suffering. It’s the 8500 other children in MA that the DPH estimates have uncontrollable seizures. It’s the patients with chronic pain, TBI’s, PTSD, fibromyalgia, arthritis, MS, ALS, migraines, lyme, alzheimers and so many other conditions that can be treated with medical cannabis. It’s the 2,000 people that are estimated to be legal medical cannabis patients here in MA that have nowhere to access consistent, lab tested medicine.

I NEED YOU. I need your help. I need you to respond to this call to action in record numbers.Take the morning off, get a sitter. I can’t save my daughter alone. It will take more than my voice, it will take yours. To sit back and feel empathy isn’t enough anymore. For 2 years we have waited for this process to unfold. We can’t wait any longer. Lives are being lost.

Please, please come and help us help each other. I don’t want to grieve my daughter, I just want to save her.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.