Down the rabbit hole

On the evening of Haley’s first seizure a giant gaping hole opened up around me. At first I thought I was standing on the precipice looking down, but at the moment of her diagnosis, sheltered in what are supposed to be comforting words “seizure disorder”, I fell headfirst into the abyss. I didn’t fall far though, because I immersed myself in online support groups, and epilepsy community and their support pulled me up.

When Haley failed to respond to one pharmaceutical, and then another and quickly a third and fourth that diagnosis was altered to medically refractory epilepsy. I fell a little further down the hole. Not so far that I couldn’t start the climb out, but just far enough that I couldn’t see over the top. And so I began to seek out others with similar experiences. Ones who could hold my hand and we could take turns pulling one another up.

When Haley’s language delays began and EEG confirmed near constant seizure activity during sleep her diagnosis was amended again, Landau Kleffner syndrome variant. I fell a little further. But I gained a whole new set of supportive people who were living parallel realities. And it helped to block the fall.

When genetic testing revealed a never before documented mutation in a sodium channel gene I fell hard. Confirmation that my baby was never going to outgrow this knocked the wind out of me on the way down. And while Haley’s diagnosis was amended to Dravet like, it couldn’t be called Dravet so I wasn’t sure if I could find the support I needed to pull me up enough to catch my breath. Luckily the community is a generous one and we have found a home there and it helped me find a foothold and crawl a little way back up.

When we realized that Haley at age 5 had never been to the bathroom alone or played Barbies in her bedroom by herself, we decided to pursue a service dog. The community we have found amongst other service dog owners, trainers and supporters boosted me to where I thought I could see the path out.

And then we were told that Haley was out of pharmaceutical options, there was nothing left to try except a risky invasive surgery with best case scenario being a 50% reduction in seizures. With Haley averaging 3-10 seizures daily, that still left her with daily seizures and no quality of life improvement, plus a serious risk of loss of speech and motor function. I fell hard and fast. And I stopped even trying to claw my way back out. I just accepted life at the bottom of the rabbit hole.

And then I discovered medical marijuana and its potential anticonvulsant effects. When my state overwhelmingly voted to legalize it I found a foothold and crawled as fast as I could toward the top. Only to be knocked down over and over again as the state lagged behind in its implementation, as the lack of available strains became clear, and Haley’s seizures increased and cognition declined. But I found enough support to at least motivate me to keep climbing. For 2 years trying to access this treatment for my daughter I have climbed and fallen, brushed myself off, and started the climb again.

I have found a community of activists, advocates (is there really a difference?), other families, other patients and supporters. And I have never felt so supported. I have gained my footing, and I am climbing out with help from all of these communities of supporters. And sure, I have days, minutes, where I fall down, sometimes it feels like I’ve hit bottom again, but I’m climbing faster back up. And I am learning to extend my hand and reach for those behind me so I can return the favor.

So wherever you are in your journey know that however far down the rabbit hole you are there is always a hand waiting to grasp yours if you just reach out…With the help of cannabis and some amazing people, the top is in reach. (even in Massachusetts)

P.S.-See you Tuesday 10/14 at the protest! DPH building in Boston!! If you need a boost I promise you’ll find one among the community there.

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