I have a friend who races motorcycles. We were talking once about crashes and he said “you have to push the bike beyond its limits to know where they are”. I was astounded and filed it for future thought.
Then I thought about it a lot. That’s kind of my thing.
Push the bike beyond the limits to find them? Couldn’t you just tell when you were close and stop there?
Was pushing the limit worth the risk?
Recently Haley aggravated an old injury during a rough patch of seizures. We visited the orthopedist who broke the news that she needed a full leg cast and crutches for 4 weeks.
I was flooded with worry, doubt and fear.
How would I protect both of us during seizures with a fully casted leg flailing like an uncontrollable weapon?
How would she manage the sheer amount of motor planning that goes into being non weight bearing?
Could she manage the physical coordination of crutches?
How do I keep the crutches from being a weapon during seizures if locked in her death grip?
All of this during a period of multiple seizures daily with the accompanying exhaustion and cognitive decline that occurs during these periods.
I resigned myself to a rough 4 weeks and steeled my reaction while she was fitted and given instructions.
We came home- to our third floor walk up- and those stairs might as well have been Mt Everest. She declined to attempt them with crutches and scooted up on her bum.
We reverted to the sponge baths we’ve lived through in so many hospital stays.
My mind cycled repeatedly through a million how will we and what if scenarios.
And I couldn’t hold it together. I was overwhelmed. I thought surely this is the moment where I crash the motorcycle.
But. The days went on. We faced every challenge with humor and love, even when we couldn’t manage grace.
And 2 weeks in Haley’s skin started to break down in the cast. The Dr opted to switch her to a hinged brace. This week she ditched her crutches.
Sometimes the only limit we’ve reached is the one where we stop believing in ourselves. I’ve been thinking about that lately too so more to come soon on that!
So, you know what? I didn’t crash. And maybe on the next corner, just maybe, I’ll have the confidence to push the bike a little harder. Because I exceeded my own expectations, and I haven’t found my limit yet. Even when I thought I had.