I’m trying my best but I still make mistakes

I am trying my best but I make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. Big ones that can endanger my child. That could kill her even. And that’s ok. I’m still a good parent. And you are too.

“It’s ok.”

“We all make mistakes.””

“You’re only human.”

“We’ve all done it.”

None of those phrases matter in the moment that your heart stops and you frantically try to remember- did I give her her meds this morning? And realize- holy crap. I forgot to give my child her medicine. The medicine that keeps her alive.

Sleep deprivation, stress, depression. They all lead to memory issues. Plus add in that this medicine must be spaced 2 hours from that medicine and this one can only be taken with food but that one can’t be taken within 2 hours of consuming dairy. Sigh. No matter how many alarms you set. No matter how foolproof you think your system. You will forget a dose. This will happen at some point. (Unless you’re SuperMom. In which case I would whip you up a crafty cape but you can do it better so have at it. While you’re at it can you make some keto treats? I’m too tired)

You will judge yourself. You will waffle between fear and anger. You will be afraid that you have just put your child in a situation that could kill them. And it would be your fault. That’s how you will feel. That’s all true. It’s also ok.

Beyond the shock, fear and anger is the what do I do? Do I give it now? Skip it altogether? I am not a Dr. I am not capable of handing out medical advice. I know what our epilepsy specialist advises. (Because yes. I have forgotten. More than once. Told you you’re not alone.) But knowing that it will happen at some point I suggest you contact your neuro and have a plan if you don’t already. It will be one less thing you’ll have to do when you’re busy beating yourself over the head with guilt.

And that guilt will stay with you over the next several days, or if you’re like me, even longer. Every seizure you will wonder could that one be my fault? Was it longer than usual? Stronger? Did I do that to her? I can’t stop you from feeling these things, hell, I can’t stop myself from feeling them. But I can tell you you’re not alone. This is one of the most frequent calls for help I see in online epilepsy groups.

“We all make mistakes.”
“You’re only human.”
“We’ve all done it.”
“You are not a bad parent.”

Now. If I could just listen to myself. (And no. I didn’t forget today because most days you remember. When was the last time you gave yourself credit for all of the times you remembered? Never? Yeah. Me neither.)

5 thoughts on “I’m trying my best but I still make mistakes”

  1. THANK YOU!!! I’ve been at this 24 years and yep, I’ve forgotten. The worst was forgetting to pick his diastat because our B/s health care coverage won’t let us pick it up even ONE day early. I’d had a horrible day at work that ran exceedingly long, then a really rough sundown experience with my Mom who had Alzheimer’s and I looked at the clock and panicked. Cvs had just closed. I had zero rescue meds. The ones that actually save his life in the middle of the night. It ended up in a trip to the ER and a 24 hour observation cus the seizures were out of control by the time he reached the Floating Hospital. You better believe I felt every IV, every unpleasant moment. It was multiplied by a thousand in my chest. Our then neurologist, seeing my obviously guilt ridden face, reminded me that we are all human. He said nurses occasionally miss doses, doctors miss symptoms. You have to forgive yourself, learn the lesson and MOVE ON. There is only so much self flagellation one can engage in and still wake up the next day and give it your all. If I beat myself up so badly that I’m useless to my kid??? What has been solved. Anyone who says they’ve never made one mistake in a life this chaotic just isn’t being truthful either to us or possibly to themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Here’s the thing… for as long as we are human, we will always make mistakes. We aren’t designed to be anything but imperfect. I’ve been living life with epilepsy for 6 plus years, and I STILL make mistakes. Even with my own chronic disease, I make mistakes.

    We’ve forgotten doses of seizure meds here and there. We’ve medicated for “status” seizures that weren’t really status seizures. Heck, I even (just recently) misplaced her rescue meds, which could have had horrible results had we needed them during a status.

    You live. You learn. You adjust. You keep moving forward. And you thank God for one more day with those you love. Kudos to you for putting the truth into words. We ALL make mistakes in caring for our children…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I believe that there is a reason our children were given to us and not some one else, because we could take care of them like the way we do. Yes as you say we are not perfect, to err is human, yes so only human, but we try. My son is also on an anticonvulsant medication, hoping that it will be weaned off with time, God willing. So yes there are days, when I miss that 7:00 am or pm deadline of giving it to him, despite the alarms/reminders I set. There are days when I feel like sharing the responsibility equally between myself and my husband but it really all boils down to ME! Ive GOT TO DO IT! The control freak in me says. But till such time I am alive and kicking, I will totally take it on me to care for that individual I brought into this world. Perhaps would love be a mom in another life all over again:-)! So yes you are doing a great job, May Allah make it easy for you and all of us moms who are trying, so so hard!!

    Like

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