The Anniversaries We Don’t Want to Celebrate

Haley has been having a rough time. It’s no secret. Yesterday she was too tired to make it through the day at school. So we declared today a day off from school and started her morning with a (Low Glycemic Index Diet therapy approved) cupcake with a candle and sang Happy Wednesday.

But in reality today wasn’t just any Wednesday. It’s the anniversary of the day she was admitted last year to MGH for uncontrollable seizures. I remember clearly how devastated and afraid I was like it was yesterday. I was afraid because we had been in this same position 2 years prior with disastrous results that culminated in a 14 day coma and severe regressions. And we knew that Haley, even a year ago was out of options. We were lobbying our Dr’s hard for medical marijuana but with the program in limbo there was no access. A year later we are in exactly the same position. The lack of progress in the implementation of this program, the fact that no one in this state has shown any urgency or compassion for patients infuriates me. And Haley continues to suffer daily because of it.

If Haley’s seizures continue to escalate and she needs to be admitted again but without options left, where does that leave us? I’m afraid we may find out.

We all have anniversaries, dates, seared in our minds of events that we don’t want to celebrate. First seizure, hospitalizations, treatments, surgeries, ambulance rides, long seizures, intubations, sedations, tests. I knew this anniversary was coming. I thought I was prepared, but seeing the statuses and photos in my TimeHop app this morning reminded me that even when we prepare, we cannot predict how we will feel when these anniversaries come.

So this is an anniversary that we don’t want to celebrate. Instead we will light a candle and sing. Happy Wednesday everyone.

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